A Million Little Lies Page 21

  I’ve never stopped loving you.

  For years she’d waited, hoped and prayed that he’d come for her, and when he didn’t she’d cursed him for leaving her behind, abandoning her and their baby. But now she knew the truth. He’d looked for her at graduation, then gone to her house and searched in vain. He hadn’t forgotten. Although eight years had gone by, he’d never stopped loving her, just as she had never stopped loving him. Didn’t a love like that deserve a chance?

  The image of Gregg carrying Annie on his shoulders at the fair flashed through Suzanna’s mind, and she felt a crevice open up in the center of her heart. The two parts of her life were divided; on one side Gregg with his easy smile and patient ways, on the other side Bobby with the undying love he’d carried in his heart all those years. Making a choice was impossible, but not making one was worse. It was unfair to everyone, most of all to Annie. She wanted a daddy and now Suzanna could give her one, but which was the right one?

  That evening, dinner was a quiet affair. Annie chattered on about how she’d found the prince’s shoe, and Ida talked of how she’d gotten material enough to make new curtains and a matching throw pillow for Annie’s room. When Annie said the training wheels on her new bicycle had broked, Gregg laughed and said they weren’t broke, they just needed tightening.

  “I’ll fix it after dinner,” he added.

  Suzanna knew much of their life revolved around Annie—not just hers, but Ida’s and Gregg’s also. That would change were she to choose Bobby.

  Later that night as she lay in bed trying to sort through her feelings, she found herself comparing the two men. They were different in so many ways, but each of them held a piece of her heart. Gregg was a good man, a man who’d already demonstrated his love for Annie. Right from the start, he’d been open and honest with her; shouldn’t she be the same? It wasn’t fair to give him half a heart when he deserved so much more. He hadn’t yet asked her to marry him, but now she was starting to wonder what her answer would be when he did.

  Suzanna tried to picture Bobby fixing Annie’s bike, but instead she drifted back to thoughts of how it was when they were together. The memories she’d hidden for all those years were still there. The heat of his mouth covering hers, his hands finding the sweet spots of passion, his eyes savoring her nakedness as he whispered promises of love. What Bobby had said was true; they were good together.

  Eight years ago she’d walked away; she’d heard him calling her name but hadn’t turned back. She was angry and hurt, too prideful perhaps or stubborn. In the weeks that followed, he’d looked the other way when they passed one another in the hallway, but hadn’t she done the same thing? They’d been too young to realize that a love like theirs was a once-in-a-lifetime thing and foolishly allowed it to slip away. Now fate was giving them a second chance, an opportunity to make up for the stupidity of their youth. Only a simpleton would ignore such a stroke of luck.

  Gregg was a good man and great with Annie, but it wasn’t fair to compare the two men when he’d spent all those months getting to know her and Bobby had never even met his daughter. That was something she’d remedy right away.

  When she met Bobby at the Ellington, she’d tell him of her feelings and say she was ready to give their love another chance. She’d insist he meet Annie right away; after all, he was her daddy. There was no longer a reason for waiting, and once Annie realized he was her father she would most likely be as taken with him as she was with Gregg. Suzanna would explain that she couldn’t move forward without taking Annie’s feelings into consideration. They were a package deal; there was no having one without the other.

  When she finally closed her eyes, she could almost see Annie skipping alongside of her birth daddy as he regaled her with stories of how he’d come to find her after eight long years of searching. She was drifting on the edge of sleep when she noticed that from the back Bobby looked strangely like Gregg.

  ——————

  THE NEXT MORNING SUZANNA AVOIDED having breakfast with everyone and hurried out, claiming that she’d promised to help Colette rearrange the jewelry showcase. As Gregg said goodbye and kissed her cheek, she felt the sharp-edged fingers of regret take hold of her. Last night she’d planned to tell him about Bobby, not the whole story of who she was, but a sketchy version saying only that Annie’s father had come back and was asking for a second chance. Today that no longer seemed possible.

  In the darkness of her room with thoughts of Bobby crowding her mind, everything had seemed so much clearer. But this morning as she was starting down the staircase, she heard Annie and Gregg laughing together and her heart seized. The realization that she was as fond of Gregg as Annie was came like a bucket of ice cold water splashed in her face. The truth was he made them both happy; happier than she could ever remember.

  She thought about it all that day, and the next day, and the day following, but clarity was impossible to find. It seemed like such an old cliché to say she loved them both equally, yet that was indeed the situation.

  By the time the weekend rolled around, Suzanna’s heart was twisted into one giant impossible-to-unravel knot of uncertainty. And to make it even worse, the furnace at the school had to undergo major repairs and Gregg was at home all week. Him being there made it almost impossible to sort through her thoughts. She couldn’t look at him without seeing all the things that had drawn her to him: the warmth of his eyes and the laughter lines that crinkled the corners, the gentleness of his voice, the dark curl that tumbled onto his forehead no matter how many times he pushed it back.

  She’d been attracted to him because he was handsome, but over time she’d come to see he was so much more than handsome. He was beautiful, both on the inside and out. There was no doubt she loved him, yet she still couldn’t rid herself of thoughts of Bobby; nor could she deny the fact that he was a part of Annie. Together they had created this beautiful daughter. Wasn’t that supposed to be a lifetime bond?

  On Saturday, Suzanna remained at the shop longer than usual and arrived home after Ida had cleared the dinner dishes from the table. She’d planned to keep her alone-time with Gregg to a minimum, but when she walked in the door everyone was in the living room and they seemed to be waiting for her.

  He gave a boyish grin and said, “I hope you’re hungry.” He came across the room and brushed her lips with a quick kiss. “I made dinner reservations at Alberto’s.”

  Alberto’s, with its intimate atmosphere, cozy booths, and smooth music was sure to mean trouble.

  “For tonight?” Suzanna said apprehensively.

  He nodded. “It’s been a busy week, so I thought an evening out would help you relax and unwind.”

  “It would, except that I’m kind of beat. Maybe tonight we could have a bite here then watch television with Grandma and Annie.”

  “You’ll do nothing of the sort,” Ida said. “I’ve already cleaned up the kitchen. Besides, Gregg’s right, you could use an evening out.”

  Annie giggled. “You gotta do what Grandma says, Mama, ’cause she’s the boss.”

  A short while later they were ushered toward the back booth at Alberto’s, and by no small coincidence it was precisely where they’d sat on their first date. A bottle of wine and two glasses were on the table waiting for them.

  “You ordered this?” Suzanna asked.

  He smiled and gave her shoulder an affectionate squeeze as she slid into the booth. “Yes, it was the best I could come up with at the last minute. I had planned to take you to Le Bouchon tonight, but with you working late…”

  “It couldn’t be helped; we’ve been really busy at the shop.” The words of yet another lie felt awkward and heavy in her mouth. Suzanna thought for sure Gregg would notice, but if he did he gave no indication.

  He leaned forward, his eyes fixed on her face.

  “I understand,” he said. “It’s just that I’ve missed our spending time together.”

  She reluctantly allowed her eyes to meet his. “I’ve missed being together also
.” After hesitating a moment, she plunged ahead. “But I’m glad to know you understand, because next Tuesday is going to be a late night.”

  “You’ll be working at the store?”

  “Part of the day, but I plan to leave about 3:30.” The thought that he might again stop by the store had crossed her mind, so she was prepared for it. “Colette is sending me to Atlanta for a retailing seminar. I have no idea how long it will run, but if it’s too late I may stay over and drive back early the next morning.”

  A tiny bit of the happiness she’d seen in Gregg’s eyes disappeared, but his smile remained steady. “Colette seems to be grooming you for bigger and better things.”

  Jumping on that thought because it was an easy topic of conversation, Suzanna quickly agreed, saying it was a great opportunity. For several minutes she rattled on about the countless things she’d learned working with Colette, how she loved her job, and how the money she earned enabled her to give Annie things she’d once thought impossible.

  She was talking about how Annie would be able to go to college, which was something she’d not been able to do, when the waitress came to take their order.

  “It’s late, and I’m not all that hungry,” Suzanna said. “Maybe something light?”

  The waitress rattled off the names of a few lighter dishes; then Gregg suggested they share an antipasto.

  “Sounds good,” she said.

  Once the waitress was gone, Suzanna went right back to talking about the job.

  After a few minutes, Gregg reached across the table and took her hand in his. “I know how much this job means to you, Darla Jean, but wouldn’t you like to stay home and spend more time with Annie?”

  His voice was soft and the question filled with compassion, so it caught her off guard.

  “Well, sure, but this is only for one night,” she replied. “Annie understands that if we want a better future, I’ve got to work. That’s a fact of life whether—”

  “It doesn’t have to be that way,” he cut in. “I love you, Darla Jean, and I’d like nothing better than to see you be a full-time mother. Marry me, and I’ll give you the future you want. We’ll be a family. I’ll be a loving husband to you and a good father to Annie. When she’s ready, she’ll have an opportunity to go to college, and—”

  He stopped speaking when the waitress appeared with the tray of food.

  A feeling of panic swelled in Suzanna’s chest as she sat silently watching the girl set out plates and silverware. She’d pulled her hand loose from Gregg’s; now it felt sticky and wet. It was cool in the restaurant, but beads of perspiration were rising on her forehead and she could feel her heart thudding against her breastbone. She wanted the waitress to stay longer, to be an awkward presence that stopped Gregg from speaking, but such was not to be. In a handful of seconds the girl was gone, taking with her any hope of delaying the question Suzanna wanted to avoid.

  Pushing aside the tray of olives, meats, and cheeses, Gregg again reached for her hand.

  “I was hoping to make this a momentous occasion, take you someplace romantic and propose in a way that would ultimately be the story we’d tell our children and grandchildren, but the school is pressuring me for an answer about whether or not I’m going to stay. They’ve offered me a three-year extension, and I have to give them an answer by Monday.”

  Suzanna’s heart beat faster, and her head seemed ready to topple from her shoulders. She’d had a single glass of wine, but it felt as though she’d downed a gallon. A week earlier she’d hoped Gregg would ask this very same question, but now things were different. Bobby was back, and he was Annie’s daddy. Her birth daddy. How could she possibly deny him the chance to set things right?

  As Gregg held her hand in his, a worried look settled on his brow. Apparently sensing her reluctance to answer, he said, “If you honestly love your job and that’s what makes you happy, you can continue to work, but at least you’ll have the option of knowing you can stop whenever you want…”

  As she listened to him speak of his love for both her and Annie, tears filled Suzanna’s eyes and she felt a piece of her heart shatter and break away. In a voice choked with emotion she said, “I love you, Gregg, I honestly do, but I need some time before I can give you my answer.”

  He blinked in surprise. “I’m not sure I understand what you mean. Time? Time for what?”

  “To make certain decisions about my life.”

  He let go of her hand and pushed back in the seat. “We’ve been seeing each other for over six months, Darla Jean. We’ve spent endless hours together, and I assumed you felt the same as I do.”

  “I do, but…”

  “But what? Am I missing something here? Haven’t you given me every reason to believe—”

  “Yes, I have, and don’t think this means I don’t love you, because I do. It’s just that my life is complicated, and there are things I need to sort out before—”

  “What things?” His voice had become testy, and his words had the sound of a gauntlet thrown down on the table. The tenderness and warmth she’d seen in his face earlier were gone, his eyes hooded and his brows pinched tight.

  Suzanna dropped her hands into her lap and sat looking down at them. She was at a crossroad with no way to move forward or back. Going forward meant crisscrossing the landmine of lies she’d laid out, and turning back meant she’d have to deal with the bridges she’d burned long ago. Even if she wanted to tell Gregg about Bobby, she couldn’t. The risk was too great. He was no fool. Once he knew who Annie’s daddy was, it would be easy enough to discover her true identity. He’d find out, then Ida would find out, and the life she’d built here in Cousins would be destroyed. She could live with that; she deserved it. But Annie didn’t.

  “I’m sorry, but I can’t talk about it right now. If you’ll just give me some time—”

  The expression on his face remained rigid. “Darla Jean, if you are genuinely in love with someone, you don’t need time to decide whether or not you want to marry them.”

  As Suzanna listened to his words, she felt the web of lies closing in on her, tightening, binding her to the past. All along she’d believed she was building a new life, but that was simply a lie she’d told herself. The truth was that Gregg had proposed to Darla Jean Parker, not Suzanna Duff. That’s who he loved, the imaginary Darla Jean, not her. Bobby knew who she was and loved her nonetheless. He was Annie’s real daddy. He had never forgotten, and he was still in love with Suzanna Duff.

  The antipasto sat there, olive oil congealing beneath the chunks of cheese and meat, but neither of them touched anything. Gregg refilled his wine glass twice then said the evening was not at all what he’d expected.

  “There’s nothing you could have done differently,” Suzanna said. “I’m sorry. If you’ll just give me a few weeks to sort out the complications in my life, we can—” She was going to say perhaps start over, but he cut in.

  “Don’t rush,” he said sharply. “I think we both need time to think things over.” He emptied his wine glass and suggested they leave.

  On the drive home, neither of them said a word. Several times Suzanna was tempted to offer some sort of explanation, but when she tried to pull her thoughts together, all she had was a bunch of new lies. Lies that sounded as hollow as a tin drum.

  Wait until tomorrow, she told herself. Tomorrow their discussion would be less heated. Then she could talk to him, find a way to work things out. Time; that’s all she was asking for. A few weeks, a month maybe. Bobby had held onto to his love for her through years of searching. He’d waited eight long years. If Gregg loved her, shouldn’t he be willing to wait a few weeks?

  If you love someone, truly love them, you don’t give up. You find a way to work things out. Gregg was a sensible man. Surely he’d understand.

  Suzanna

  Without a Word

  THAT NIGHT SUZANNA LAY AWAKE for hours on end, trying to make sense of the confusion in her heart. When she pictured Gregg’s quick smile, the laugh lines
that crinkled the corners of his eyes, and the patient way he made time for Annie’s questions, she wanted to run downstairs, pound on his bedroom door, and beg forgiveness. But behind each of those thoughts came other ones. Memories of Bobby. For all those years, she’d held onto his love and carried it with her like one half of a broken coin, always waiting, always hoping, always searching for the other half. Now Bobby was here, asking to put the pieces back together again, make them whole, turn them into a family. Whatever the cost, she couldn’t deny him that chance.

  Shortly before the first rays of light seeped into the sky, Suzanna decided she would go to Gregg and explain that Annie’s daddy was back. She would give no names and say only that he was asking her forgiveness. If Gregg loved her the way Bobby had loved her for all those years, he would understand and be willing to wait. If he refused, then that was proof positive Bobby’s love was greater.

  It was after ten when Suzanna woke and came downstairs. She expected to see Gregg in the living room with the Sunday paper scattered about or sitting at the kitchen table enjoying a second or third cup of coffee and chatting with Ida. The living room was empty, and Ida was the only one in the kitchen.

  Trying not to make her search for Gregg obvious, she asked, “Where is everyone?”

  “Annie took Scout for a walk, and Gregg left early this morning.”

  “Left to go where?”

  Ida looked up with a puzzled expression. “His brother’s place. Didn’t he tell you?”

  “Tell me what?”

  “He left a note to say he’d be staying with Phil for a few weeks. Apparently they’re working on some kind of a project.” Ida furrowed her brow. “I’m surprised you didn’t know.”